Dr Michelle Lim on the active-constructive response

[RMIT ORGANISATIONAL DEVELOPMENT MANAGER ERIN FREEMAN TALKS TO DR MICHELLE LIM. HEAD OF SOCIAL CONNECTEDNESS LABORATORY, SENIOR LECTURER IN CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGY ON A VIDEO CALL]

[ERIN FREEMAN IS SHOWN SEATED IN AN OFFICE SPEAKS DIRECTLY TO CAMERA]

[Erin Freeman]

Okay, thank you for so much for joining me Dr Michelle Lim. It's an absolute pleasure to be talking to you today, especially in these fairly extreme circumstances. We're going to be quick for everyone, we've got a couple of questions that Michelle is going to talk to her expertise on loneliness. And hopefully, everyone can take something away from this short session.

So, Michelle, we were talking earlier about the importance of increasing the quality of relationships to counter loneliness. Could you talk to us a bit more about that?

[DR MICHELLE LIM IS SHOWN SEATED IN AN OFFICE. SHE SPEAKS DIRECTLY TO CAMERA]

[Michelle Lim]

So, loneliness is really defined as a subjective feeling of social isolation. So, you technically don't have to be around people for you to feel lonely. So, you know, social isolation, however, is about the quantity. So, in this, you know, unprecedented time, I think where we think about having to go into potentially self-isolation/quarantine, we don't have access to people. But what we do have access to is probably the few that we can really focus on. Improving the quality of those and direction. We feel more connected with those few people that we do have.

[Erin]

Mm, okay. So, could you talk to me a little bit about how we can improve the quality of that connection?

[Michelle]

Look, I think that most of us do know how to practice good communication skills. But many of us forget.

[Erin]

Yes.

[Michelle]

So, there are things like active listening, being supportive, and sharing good news. And the way we respond when we share good news is really important. So, a lot of the literature around this area about how we can improve the bonds of our relationship quality does come from a lot of the romantic relationship literature. And one particular style of responding to people is thought to bring people together. So, we call it the active-constructive responses.

So, an example would be, if I gave-- if you told me a piece of good news, the way I respond is very important to our relationship quality. So, we can do a little example.

[Erin]

Sure.

[Michelle]

If you give me a little example of a piece of good news.

[Erin]

Okay. Um, so great news, my article got accepted today with minimal revisions.

[Michelle]

Wow, that is fantastic. You must feel so good and [inaudible] *0:02:34.4. How long ago did you submit?

[Erin]

Oh, ages ago. It's taken forever.

[Michelle]

That is wonderful. You are going to have to celebrate today.

[Erin]

Yes, yeah, yeah, I'm really excited.

[Michelle]

And what was the article on?

[Erin]

It's on organisational dynamics.

[Michelle]

That's fantastic. I would love to see it when it actually gets published and we can tweet it out.

[Erin]

Yeah, great, thank you.

[Michelle]

Yeah. So, that's an example of an active-constructive response. Do you see any kind of particular-- or do you notice any particular things that I was doing after you--

[Erin]

Yeah, bouncing off each other. And also, you were really sort of giving me a lot of positive reinforcement. But also, then sort of saying how you could get involved with me.

[Michelle]

Yep. So, an example that's very clear and almost overt expression of support. You know, that is where the active comes in. And, of course, the constructive was very positive.

[Erin]

Yeah.

[Michelle]

You know, you are building on someone's response. And as much as we think we do it, I think more often than not, we actually show different kinds of responses. So, let's go again, because there are three more responses, and then you can look at the differences in how you feel as well after responding in those ways.

[Erin]

Okay.

[Michelle]

Go ahead.

[Erin]

So, great news, my article was published with minimal revisions. Or accepted with minimal revisions.

[Michelle]

Oh, good. Great. So, let's get on to the next task.

[Erin]

Okay, mm.

[Michelle]

Okay, how did you feel then?

[Erin]

Yeah, really deflated [laughing].

[Michelle]

But technically, I didn't say anything bad.

[Erin]

No, you didn't, no.

[Michelle]

Yes, and that's what we call, passive-constructive response.

[Erin]

Hm, okay.

[Michelle]

I didn't say anything bad, and this is what happens to most of us when we are busy. And I think we have all been guilty about this. Especially if you're in leadership--

[Erin]

Mm.

[Michelle]

-- caught you in the middle of something, probably wrong timing, most of the time. And that's the response we give, because we just want them to move on, right. So, we are very busy, and we didn't say anything bad. We're like, oh good, I got it. I got the end piece of information, good for you. But I wasn't really building on that.

[Erin]

Yeah, yeah.

[Michelle]

So, nothing bad again, but this is what we call a passive-constructive response. So, let's go ahead and do it two more times.

[Erin]

Okay. Great news, my article was accepted with no revisions.

[Michelle]

Oh, really. Like don't you have that scenario like all the time. Like I always get it with no revisions.

[Erin]

Oh, no, usually I have some revisions.

[Michelle]

Oh God, you're so unlucky.

[Erin]

Oh, okay.

[Michelle]

Okay, so that is the third response. When someone responds like that to you, I mean, we may have a friend or two in our lives that have done that. And think about how you feel when they have done that.

[Erin]

Yeah.

[Michelle]

How did you feel when I did that?

[Erin]

I guess, it makes you feel like you are not good enough.

[Michelle]

Yeah, yeah. And I did take the time to actually tear you down as well. This is very overt, isn't it? It's what we call active-destructive response.

[Erin]

Yeah.

[Michelle]

And then, let's go for the lucky last response.

[Erin]

Okay.

[Michelle]

Share me a piece of good news.

[Erin]

So, great news, my article got accepted with minimal revisions.

[Michelle]

Oh-- what's for lunch?

[Erin]

I don't know.

[Michelle]

So, that is what we call a passive-destructive response.

[Erin]

Right.

[Michelle]

Yeah, so it was complete neglect of how-- of what you've just said. Completely dismissed. Nothing overtly cruel or mean or negative. But yet, was completely neglectful. And the literature does show that the people that form the best relationships and report the highest quality of relationships are the ones that do the active-constructive responses. And I think, upon reflection, I think most people will go, oh, that's not what I do all the time.

[Erin]

Yeah.

[Michelle]

Do the passive-constructive, oh, yeah, sure. You know, but I don't really spend a lot of time building on my friend's good news or my partner's good news or my children's good news. Because, purely because of time. And I think this is where relationships are often, you know, a reflection of the amount of time that we invest, you know, with these sorts of things.

[Erin]

So, I think for what I'm sort of hearing is particularly for our leaders in our industry, especially because they are going to be short on time or more stretched dealing with kind of responding to this massive disruption that they need to really think about how to sustain quality relationships in their team members. And to make sure that when they are responding to their team members, they are doing it in a really active-constructive way.

[Michelle]

That's right. And really take the time and how you respond will actually influence the dynamic of that relationship. And I think that's really important. It's not just always from the other person.

[Erin]

Yeah.

[Michelle]

What you put in.

[Erin]

I love that, because I think that's something we can all control, our response to something, is something that everyone can control individually.

[Michelle]

Absolutely.

[Erin]

Yeah. Thank you so much for your time and for your insights. They are really powerful. So, we really, really appreciate it. And we will absolutely be following your work and having a look at the SHAW Lab for tips as well. So, thank you very much, Michelle. Take care.

[End transcript]